Where Does Your Darkness Lie?

Where does your darkness lie? Is it in the loss of words when you need to speak your mind. Is it in the thoughts that escape when you try to relate to the word around you? Is it in the dream you feel paralyzed to embrace? Is it in the hopes of your mismanaged self when you know there should be time for more but the thickness of the air stops you from reaching any further.

When darkness comes it is within us to retreat back into the familiar place of uncertainty and escape into fear. Who are we to rise above when the smallness within feels so big?

When darkness comes it is our past recoveries that can save us from ourselves. It is a reference of all we have achieved before and the pain the we have overcome that allows us to count our victories.

When darkness hovers near we are being watched by all who have succumb to its depth and need to believe in something other than the abyss into which they fall. Pay attention to the eyes upon you and be what is possible.

When the light is blinding the darkness feels safe. The fall, full of fear, is also touched by the bliss of release but in the end it’s the landing that hurts.

I see your light and it is so much bigger than your dark. Reach up and know that all the light that surrounds you can save you if you just believe in something bigger. Your safety relies on it. Your journey is intent on it and your capacity to grow bigger is fuelled by it.

Where does your darkness lie? It lies within all of us and so do does your light.

Once Upon A Time

Just BE

Once upon a time I was just me.

I didn’t have to tweet it, share it or take a picture of it.

I didn’t have to believe I was any more or less than I was and I certainly didn’t have to convince anyone else of it.

I wasn’t photoshopped, filmed, managed or mocked.

I didn’t need your approval nor was I addicted to your likes.

I didn’t check on the progress of my post or rely on your views to feel seen.

I moved through my life with the ease of knowing I may not be seen and I didn’t need to be.

The world had only two eyes and they were mine.

Those eyes looked into the face of others when we passed on the street, they saw the leaves blowing on the trees and the falling snow as it lightly landed on my eyelashes.

I walked with my head held high and I didn’t think about posting the beautiful scenery around me.

Once upon a time life was real and each moment simply passed without the need to capture it on a screen.

Once upon a time I was just me and you were just you and there was no need for our paths to criss cross multiple times throughout the day.

We didn’t need to survey and compare who we are and where each event in our life was leading us because once upon a time we simply lived for the joy of being and not the constant distraction of trying to be.

Xoxo

A Heart Rebuilt

sewing-a-broken-heart

How do you describe a broken heart with words that can even come close to portraying the pain?
You can’t and like childbirth you forget on a surface level the acuteness of that pain until it happens again.
When you give birth you look at your child and marvel at how worth it the pain was.
But when your heart breaks you don’t marvel. Not in the moment anyway. You curse, you swear, you kick, you scream, you beg for the pain to subside. You try hard to take your next breath and you sometimes fight the urge to just stop breathing all together.
In the deepest moments of sorrow you would have found me in a dark room, knees hugged tightly to my chest praying for a reprieve because it hurts so bad its unimaginable how one can survive.
Soon the reprieve arrives as the sorrow comes in waves. I learned the pattern. When there was a down there would most certainly be an up. But when there was an up I knew I had little time to prepare for the next down.
The countdown began. The downs came so often and they overcame me like the panic of being swept away in an undercurrent. I struggled to reach the surface and sometimes only broke through in the nick of time. And then I would swim hard. Trying to get away from the next fierce tug from beneath that would inevitably yank me down again.
So the cycle continued. I came to realize that although uncomfortable, I had the ability to survive the darkness but it came down to what I did while there was light.
And so I set about creating in my mind who I would be when this was over. One blank page at a time I built my blue print.
I entitled page one “The Blueprint Of The Person Who Inspires Me, That I Aspire To Be And That Surrounds Me.”
You see I knew the rules. I had to get clear on who I wanted to be and then surround myself with like energy.
The power of what I wrote set into action a chain of events that led me here; to a place where I have built a new me.

On the outside I may look the same but what you may not see are the layers that have been stripped away from my heart.

Thick layers of pain and resentment, of walls and protection, of poor self-esteem and guilt. Layer upon layer upon layer of failed attempts to figure out who I am, what I stand for and why I would ever be worthy of the love being offered to me.
You realize in the brightness of the light surrounding us called love the degree to which you let it in is the degree to which it flows out.

I had to take a chance and swing the door wide open. I had to believe in me first and know beyond any doubt that I have been chosen to reside here in this time and place for a reason.

I found a way to believe I make a difference and to have faith that the footsteps I take in the dark are guided by what I see when it’s light.

I let in the light. I let in the love.

There are people who need me and I am learning to go there and be there for them instead of focusing on the hurt caused by my desire to dictate who needs me just because I think I need them.
I now know how much love can pour out of a broken heart and it’s powerful, healing and beautiful.
I’ve learned to give without expectation and to accept that true love lies beyond manipulation.